Standing By Bayatme: Easier to Spot the “Buddies”

Originally Published February 3, 2003

STEWART – About 40 members of the Ay Carumba! network, which included community members, teachers and students, attended a school bored meeting in order to support Stuporintendent Bayatme.

The bored has already voted to search for a new stuporintendent, but supporters of the Ay Carumba! network haven’t given up hope that they will somehow prevail. Stating that “we don’t need no stinkin’ new stuporintendent,” Ay Carumba! members believed that by showing up to a school bored meeting and making vaguely human-like noises, that they would, as in the past, get their own way.

“One of the main ways that we have been able to work in the past,” said Dudley Dunkirk, outspoken Ay Carumba! member, “is to just whine and whine until we get our own way. We think that we should stick with what worked in the past, because we are afraid of change.”

Unlike past Ay Carumba! actions, this movement has actually found some support in the teaching staffs of Coolville and the Middle School. In a letter signed by 97% of the teachers from the Middle School, praises were sung in Bayatme’s name. “We just want to say that it cain’t be no other explanation that we have raised up our scores in the state – moving up to continuous improvement. It must be Bayatme who has done this. Otherwise, folks might figger out that we hardly contribute none to the school district’s ratings. ‘Sides which, he’s done done all the teachin’ round here. Why spend that $8500 on a stuporintendent search, when each teacher could get a $70 raise this year – excluding taxes of course. That comes out to a whoppin’ $2.69 per paycheck, and we really could use it to help jump start our economy.”

“Everybody realizes that what is being done to Mr. Bayatme has nothing to do with education, nearly losing the district $1,000,000, using school vehicles for extended amounts of time for personal use, investigating alien abductions, crop circle apearances, or even the latest cloning conspiracy – not to mention anything else shady and way out,” said Greg Maalox, community member. “I mean, if they don’t keep him and do exactly what I say, I will have to vote down the operating levy for the 27th year in a row. I mean, it’s not like we didn’t give’m money back in ’76. They’re just so wasteful.”

Donny Womenmeadow, community member and Ay Carumba! member extraordinaire, said, “I don’t have anything better to do than to come down here and hassle you all every month. It’s the highlight of my life, since this is all of the power that I have. I don’t understand why anybody on the school bored should have any kind of life. You need to go search for your own stuporintendent. Frankly, I’ve found the one that I like, and I don’t care about size limits – I ain’t throwin’ him back in.”

Hopper, Elder and McGyver – the three bored members voting against keeping Bayatme, refused to comment. Elder specifically not wanting to “air dirty laundry.”

However, Dropem, in support of Bayatme, says that Bayatme, “doesn’t have dirty laundry. Not with that nice new washer and dryer he was able to purchase with that nice fat salary that he gets, not to mention the other perks.” Dropem claims that, “Bayatme has done everything positive for his own self-image and promoting himself. He might not be everybody’s buddy, but he’s mine, and that’s good enough for me and the Ay Carumba! network.

“It’s astonishing to me that you would want to get rid of somebody who finally likes us, and who has done the best job of dividing the community that we have ever had,” said Gravid Mein. “This is about our control of the school – it’s a personal vendetta against us. It’s time to let us have our way about everything so that we can finally, once and for all, turn back the clock. The schoolin’ we got back in the day was good enough for us’ns, and it’s good enough fer kids today. They don’t need nothin’ better. And it’s not like we’re really here in the best interests of the students anyway. We want what we want, and we want it now.”

Dropem commented that, “This is a split bored. I absolutely think that this is the biggest farce that has ever happened to the school district – well, since that time the bored was sued three times in one year for mishandling contractual obligations and not following the Sunshine Law, and had to deal with hundreds of angry community people at the bored meetings and well, I just don’t want to think about it, because I have suppressed those memories successfully thus far.”

The hired bored consultant, Belfry, said that, “The bored operates in a democratic fashion, and there must be lots of bats circling right now if you think that you can undo that.”

Dropem questioned why any stuporintendent would want to deal with Federal Hocking. And given the position of the Ay Carumba! network and all of the “buddies” of Bayatme, we actually have to agree with him.

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