Local Warm Spell Attributed to Hell Freezing Over: Bayatme Source of Hot Air

Originally Published December 17, 2001

STEWART – Local weather conditions have been attributed to the one-year contract renewal of Superintendent Ted Bayatme. Since not receiving a four year contract as he anticipated, Bayatme has been spinning damage control at all levels of the district and has even called in for more reinforcements from the Ay Carumba! network. Bayatme’s hot air has been identified as the source of the unusually warm temperatures. It is believed that the ultimate source of the hot air is hell, and as a result of the massive loss of heat to the nether regions, hell has indeed frozen over.

Although the Federal Hocking School Bored only gave Superintendent Bayatme a one-year contract at its board meeting last Monday night, some bored members would like to think of the next year as a trial period, rather than simply time for Bayatme to find another job. It is not surprising to learn that the two bored members supporting Bayatme, Dodger Dropem and Van Yearly, are affiliated with the Ay Carumba! network and have been known to leak information to key members of the network for unsavory purposes. Unfortunately, since Dropem and Yearly spend so much time with Ay Carumba! they are rarely seen in the schools and depend on Bayatme’s necessarily self-inflated reports of his own progress. Therefore, statements made to the public are actually based more in fantasy than in fact – having little to do with any sort of reality.

“There’s no reason why he shouldn’t have gotten a three year contract now,” said Dropem. “He’s done more for the district in the last three years than anyone has done in a long time – including me. The kids will suffer if he goes. They won’t get the advantage of hearing him rave like a maniac in the halls or disrupt classes, so they will actually have to work more. That’s hard on the kids. The programs he has begun won’t flow like they are doing now. With someone else, they might actually accomplish something. Next year, I’d like to see his contract extended by three years. It is my goal to actually see our progress not only slowed down, but perhaps stopped. If at all possible, I would even like to see us moving backwards.”

Bored member Van Yearly said he is happy that Bayatme will be back.

“I’m delighted to have him back another year. This will be an opportunity to continue growing the expansion of the Ay Carumba! network,” said Yearly. “In my opinion, he is a very fine individual and a good administrator. He has the backing of the staff and seems well-liked in the school district. At least, that is what he tells me. I think that he is so great, I take everything he tells me as the absolute and complete truth.”

Yearly said he too would like to see Bayatme evaluated at the end of the next year and see his contract extended. “I think that it has been said by others, that it would take too long and be too difficult to find someone as willing as Bayatme to actually lend his support to the Ay Carumba! network. We must keep him at any cost!”

But bored member, Todd McGyver, who voted against Bayatme receiving a contract refused to comment specifically on the issue. “It’s hard to enter a battle of wits with unarmed opponents,” he said.

In a written statement, Bayatme said, “In response to the decision of the Federal Hocking Local School Bored to grant me another contract, I feel that they have afforded me the opportunity to grovel and kiss butt. Hopefully, I will be able to fool eveyone into thinking that I have changed. Then, when they give me that long term contract that will essentially allow me to become the undisputed king, tyrant and despot of the district, never to be unseated, will I then turn my wrath against those who have plotted against my regime. I will make their lives a miserable, unending hell like none have yet seen on the face of this earth. I, as superintendent, will indeed do “What’s best for me and for the Ay Carumba! network. Damn the kids and anyone else who is against me!”

After the release of this statement, unsurprisingly, the temperatures soared past the 60° degree mark. Hopefully, the rhetoric will die down before Christmas. Some folks are actually hoping for snow.

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