Friends group starts to say nice things

Originally Posted February 26, 2007

HAPPYVILLE – A group of community people, parents and assorted relatives have gotten together to promote FedHock. The group, calling themselves the Friends of Federal Hocking, is hoping to keep students from leaving the district in open enrollment. Thus the Friends want to keep the district from losing the funding that they would have received by retaining the students. According to the group, each student lost equals nearly $5,414. The total loss to the district from open enrollment is around $700,000.

“Wow!” exclaimed Dodger Dropem. “With money like that, I could pay off all of my taxes and get a new boat for river riding and drinking!” Of course, when Dropem was informed that the money wouldn’t go personally to school bored members he was noticeably less enthused. “I guess that I’ll have to continue getting my employees out looking for more cans to recycle then. I really need some money.”

The Friends say that FedHock is the best kept secret in Athens County – at least to the people who live in the district. Noting that it’s won awards, been mentioned in Reader’s Digest, amongst just a few things, the Friends just can’t understand why anyone would want to leave.

An Ay Carumba! spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous said, “That’s the whole point. We don’t want anyone to leave. Ever. Did you see that part about where students are getting into colleges of their choice? Well, that’s a problem. We want our kids to stay here, have lots of babies, and take care of us when we drink too much and fall off the couch, or watch over us to make sure we don’t fall asleep with lit cigarettes. Heck – Federal Hocking is ruining the traditions of our community because the school tells kids that they can do more than their old man. We just can’t have that happening! I mean, they’re breaking down welfare and worker’s comp traditions that have been handed down for generations. Don’t those kids realize that they might actually have to work for a living if they go to college?”

Despite the Ay Carumba! attitude, the Friends still had more nice things to say about FedHock. Parent Tucker Brudyes claimed that students and teachers were actually respectful of each other and the school. And Jean Omygosh claimed that the schools actually focused on creativity and individuality. A six grade student said that she got individual help from teachers.

Todd McGyver said, “This is just the kind of stuff we want people to know. Our group isn’t about getting at the real problems of lack of money, and we’re not about to tackle levies or other revenue issues. In particular, we want to address student’s quality of education. We think that we can get Ohio University interns to come in and help out around the school. Because, honestly, giving an OU student beer is a whole lot cheaper than paying more teachers’ salaries.”

McGyver also announced that the group will be hosting a fundraiser to raise money to publish a newsletter about the beauty and wonders of Federal Hocking. “We really want to improve bored – non-Ay Carumba! community relations, and that sometimes means letting Ay Carumba! get its own way. We’re even having a special Ay Carumba! Kum Ba Yah sing along just for that very reason. We want to share the love,” McGyver said.

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