FEC Clarifies Role

Frustration has been building in some of the FedHock community over the continuation of the Fiscal Elimination Commission (FEC). The FEC was given oversight of the FedHock District finances by the State after the school went into fiscal emergency.

However, since the district is now showing a sizable balance on their books, some folks would like to see the FEC removed. In response to this, the FEC has decided to go on record to explain what their role involves.

“Most people think the Fiscal Elimination Commission is just about killing jobs and getting rid of people,” said the FEC’s leader, widely known as The Jackal. “And we’ve done that admirably well. But we’re more than that,” she continued. “We’re about eliminating all kinds of things: programs, school buildings, students (by way of eliminating programs and school buildings), and we try to create conditions to remove people we don’t like.”

Pauley “Make It A Million” Cash, the other State designated FEC member also wanted to make it clear that they also eliminated rational thought, logical thinking and well-researched planning. “Hey, they don’t call me ‘Make It A Million’ for nothing. When cuts need to be made, we don’t really need to have a well-thought out plan – just cut a million bucks and things will be just fine. Consequences, shmonsequences. It doesn’t really matter to us as long as people have to do what we tell them to.”

Not much has been said by the locally appointed members of the FEC. While they could ban together and vote to keep some vital district services, they instead meekly vote with the State appointed Jackal and Cash. Jim Cavesin, Lori Contessa and Sammy Gagged have been notoriously silent partners in the various elimination schemes. This has been of particular disappointment to fans of Jim Cavesin, who was a past FedHock stuporintendent. There had been some hope that he would be an experienced voice of reason when it came to protecting the district from further student and program losses. It has also been noted that Lori Contessa is on the district’s finance committee as well as being on the FEC. This seems to some folks that this is a conflict of interest. Sammy Gagged is so quiet most people don’t even remember who the third local member is.

On the other side of this issue, Ay Carumba! seems happy with the situation as it currently stands. “Look,” said Van Weekley, “as long as they are here and are not opposed to our agenda, we can make this work for us. I’m going to be gone at the end of the year and so I don’t have anything to lose. I want this district to remember me as someone, and by closing the elementary schools, I will be remembered!”

Stan Abhorrence also likes the FEC. “As long as they’re talking to me and not Manley, I think they’re good. Plus, they’ve given me the money for my own special lawyer friend. How cool is that?”

Dodger Dropem is also a fan of the FEC. “We can blame them for all kinds of stuff that we’ve [Ay Carumba!] wanted to do anyway. We can really stick it to the district employees. I love it that we can use the FEC to our own ends. And as long as they are cutting, no one is thinking about raising taxes or levies or revenues by any other method. And that always makes me happy!”

No one is sure how to get rid of the FEC. It may take the sacrifice of the elementary schools or it may take voting in new school bored members who will do whatever it takes to get them out. When The Jackal was asked to respond to the people who would like to see them gone, she had a chilling reply, “We’re not done yet, because ultimately, the Fiscal Elimination Commission is about eliminating all chance of hope from this place.”

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