If I want someone to like me, I need to tell them what they want to hear, even if it isn’t the truth.
If I really want to know the truth, I should pay attention to the aliens that visit me on my long drives home in the school van.
I can be the leader if I choose to hang out with people who are idiots. Therefore, I should be wary and paranoid about people who aren’t idiots.
If necessary, I should deceive myself about who should be deemed an idiot.
Contrary to popular belief, eating the green M&M’s will just give me a stomach ache.
I should stubbornly stick to my own views in spite of any facts to the contrary.
Dividing people into opposing camps to obliterate each other is a better way of maintaining my own position and power, than fostering cooperation and teamwork.
The first place I should look for lost items is under my ass, not in the top secret file hidden in the office wall safe.
If I don’t get my own way, I should sulk, pout and take it out on those around me.
I should only listen in order to hear what I want to hear. I should be a selective editor.
If I can’t see if my shoes are tied, have a member of the Ay Carumba! network check them for me!
Originally Published December 17, 2001