District Moved From “Academic Emergency” Up To “Academic Uh-Oh”

Originally Published December 17, 2001

STEWART – District officials praised Superintendent Bayatme for the improvement in the latest state school evaluations. School districts are rated on criteria ranging from proficiency test scores to attendance to well, more proficiency test scores.

Citing improvements in all areas of the district, caused primarily by procedures implemented by the Tedalam regime, Superintendent Bayatme was pleased to note that the district had indeed moved up from the bottom rung of the ratings. “This move from ‘Emergency’ to ‘Uh-Oh’ is something that we should really be pleased about,” said Bayatme at a press conference. “The improvement of our sixth grade scores, up 75% from the previous year, is incredible – even though those improvements didn’t actually get us any more points on the state ratings. Hey, but the state did give us a bunch of money for them! I like getting money that I can dole out at will, thereby making people more likely to suck up to me to stay on my good side.”

All of the increases in points came from the high school level, a point quick to be forgotten by Bayatme. :”In fact,” said Julienne Meatloaf, “I don’t think that Bayatme has even said one thing about the points coming from the high school end. The only thing that we hear from the Ay Carumba! network is about how terrible we are. If it weren’t for the high school program, the state would have to invent a whole new catagory for us called ‘Academic DOA’.”

Other high school teachers vented their frustration over the lack of acknowledgement. “We work, teach, grade and tutor, and this is the thanks we get?” said Juan Armpit. “I spend my days capturing and raising animal specimans for dissection, stinking up the high school with chemicals and who gets the credit? Bayatme,” he complained bitterly.

“Since most of the points that have raised our state report card come from the high school, it doesn’t seem to make much sense to talk about cutting high school programs,” said Caitlyn Christmas, another high school teacher. “By my calculations, he should be thanking us – a lot,” she added.

On the other hand, one teacher does feel that Bayatme should get the credit. Said Manny Yurstirrer, “Well, Bayatme gives me a place to go when other teachers won’t put up with me. I figure another few months of boot polish and I’ll get that recommendation that I deserve. Bayatme’s a great guy!”

Yurstirrer’s enthusiasm for Bayatme is hardly universal. When asked about whether or not the move up in a catagory could be attributed to the high school, Bayatme mumbled something incoherently and put some papers into the shredder. Over the noise, he could be heard muttering, “I did it. It is me. I brought this district back from the brink of disaster. I did write the CIP. Now, how can I cut more teaching positions from the high school and middle school? Must.. get rid of… double… planning… periods.”

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