News Briefs

Dropem strikes again – almost!

Originally Published April 9, 2007 While children around the district were snuggled in their beds awaiting the annual orgy of consuming chocolate rabbits, marshmallow peeps and a whole host of other Easter candy, Dodger Dropem, entrepreneur extraordinaire, was lurking stealthily…

Ex-CIA head locates new WMDs

Originally Published April 2, 2007 George Tenet, trying to make amends for his previous information blunders (9-11) was recently on capital hill testifying before a congressional panel about a new WMD threat. The current threat was known to be located…

Pig held hostage

Originally Published March 12, 2007 In an increasingly bizarre attempt to make money, bored member Dodger Dropem recently took the Friends of FedHock pig hostage. The pig was to be the main sacrifice in a purity ritual aimed at purging…

Henny Penny Plucked!

Originally Posted February 26, 2007 The rumor mill has been intensifying about Henny Penny’s absence from the last bored meeting. An overly enthusiastic fan of Britney Spears, Penny supposedly went out for a night on the town, culminating the evening…

Fatherhood Calls?

Originally Posted February 19, 2007 It has been reported that school bored member Dodger Dropem has been the latest to step forward in claiming to have fathered the late Anna Nicole Simpson’s child, Dannielynn Simpson. Local skeptics claim that this…

Snow Daze

Originally Published February 19, 2007 A new and scary epidemic has hit students in the local school district and surrounding areas – an overdose of snow days. Dubbed OS (OverSnow) by health care professionals, this epidemic has affected students of…

Literacy on the Cheap

Originally Posted February 12, 2007 Without any money to get new materials for the library, librarian Fayre Servant, has resorted to getting reading materials from whatever sources are available. Said Servant, “I’ve been recycling and scrimping whatever I can.” Attendance…

Bayatme Enters Clone War

Originally Posted February 3, 2003 In the latest round of human cloning experiments, sources at FHLS have discovered that Bayatme has usurped Eisenhower science grant funds to create his very own clone. Our source has reported that Bayatme entered the…

Secretary Sought

Originally Published December 3, 2001 Want to work in a hostile environment? Ready to be put down and laughed about at a moment’s notice? In short, are you so desperate for a job that you don’t care how much it…

Superintendent Receives Award

Originally Published December 3, 2001 Smiling broadly for the camera, Ted Bayatme, received the prestigious “Cheapy” Interior design award in the “Supposedly Non-existent Budget” catagory. When told that he would have to verify the cost of all of his designs…

Science Labs Raided

Originally Published November 26, 2001 Activist students broke into the high school science labs, releasing all of the schools fetal pigs. Kept at the lab for dissection experiments, the pigs were already pickled. Members of RAVE (Release All Vivisection Experiments)…