Originally Published February 19, 2007
STEWART – In a rare show of thoughtfulness, the FedHock School Bored has made innovative suggestions to the administrative team concerning teaching positions. Stating that they don’t want to micromanage the administration, they nevertheless have put forth a strong demand to cut teaching and other staffing positions and perhaps create some previously unheard of job combinations to make these cuts more effective.
First on their list is a desire to gain more vocational monies from the state. By having more vocational programs (and students in those programs), the district will earn more money per pupil. The bored has put together a far reaching vocational program which will impact students all the way across the district.
High School Vocational Gym
With the installation of a few cheap poles and utilizing the current sound system, the bored would like Manley to hire vocational gym teacher, Bambi Sparks. Dodger Dropem, who is making the hiring recommendation, said, “Bambi would bring a unique and rewarding combination of teaching physical education and dance, allowing our grads to move straight into the Sugar’s industry of adult workers. Think of the tips those kids will make once they get out of school! This is real work and life experience here. I’m getting worked up into a sweat just thinking about what those classes would be like. And Bambi really is at the top of her profession. Just think how popular gym class will be with the guys. If there were more teachers like Ms. Sparks at the school, I would even show up to see what happens there.”
High School Vocational Home Economics, Music and Driver’s Ed Combo
The board realizes that a lot of young people are interested in music, but knows that there just isn’t much of a chance that they’ll really be able to support themselves in the music industry once they graduate. So again, at the bequest of Dropem is the new vocational program whereby students learn to play bass guitar in music, learn to make pizza’s in home ec and then learn how to deliver them in Driver’s Ed. Dropem is excited about this program because it will provide his Little Sleazer’s business with instantly trained workers.
Elementary School Vocational Gym & Art
“It’s not too early to teach our young children the value of a good day’s work,” stated Henny Penny. “We know that the little ones really need our extra attention.” To this end, the bored would like to replace the current physical education and art program with one headed by a custodian. “Instead of children playing games, they can get a better work out if we make them clean and paint the school,” continued Penny. “Now instead of student’s learning that they get something for nothing, we will have a new ‘work to eat program’ at school, plus we can reduce the cost of our custodian staff. We’ll have those kids in shape in no time – and our schools will look better than ever with all of those little rugrats working instead of goofing off in art or playing in gym.”
Elementary School Vocational Reading & theFood Service Industry
“We can also reduce the number of teaching staff in the area of reading,” stated Penny. “I mean, who really needs to read? I hardly read anything before I come to a school bored meeting.” But since the schools are tested in reading, she has come up with the idea of the “read to eat” program. “By testing our kids as they go through the lunch line, we’ll really motivate them to improve those test scores. The cafeteria ladies can teach them to read as they go through the line. And if the kids don’t get the answers right, then they won’t get to eat at all. And since the strongest job market is in the fast-food service industry, they’ll really be ready to go once they graduate.”
Middle School Vocational Psychic Science
In another attempt to gain extra monies through more vocational programming, a new Astrologer/Psychic science position will be added. “Again,” said Van Weekly, “we will be looking at training students in a particular job market. We all know that the psychic industry is profitable and our grads would be able to work from home!” Madame GoatStalker is a well-known local psychic and would be his preferred hire for the job. “She brings a level of professionalism unknown by our current teaching staff. I believe that she would also be of use to the bored in raising new revenues. Think of the lottery numbers that she could generate.”
However, when Madame GoatStalker was contacted about whether or not she would want to move into this type of work, all she would say in response to the bored was, “I see lame people.”