Originally Published April 9, 2007
It is not surprising to anyone in the know that the bored never discusses raising district revenue. The primary problem is that the bored, as district residents, would have to actually pay more in taxes if a levy passed. “Being able to prevent any more taxes was the primary reason that I am on the bored,” declared Dodger Dropem proudly. “I already owe so many taxes, I don’t know how to keep up. So of course, the whole point to my being here is to completely distort the district’s financial handlings so that no one will ever vote for a levy. I’ve got to watch my own pockets, if you know what I mean.”
Henny Penny also doesn’t want to personally pay any money for schools. “Look, all schools do is teach people how to read and stuff like that. I’ve never had to actually use any of those skills, so why should I have to pay for children to actually learn them.”
Van Weekly, bored president, just wants to make it clear that whatever he’s said before is the only thing he is saying now. So please don’t bother him any more.
Given that the bored absolutely refuses to pay for anything out of their personal pockets, the only way to raise money is to find more ways for those receiving the services (students) is to get them (the students) to pay for it. So ignoring Mr. Manley’s recommendation about needing a levy, the bored has proposed the following:
Instead of the school buying textbooks and other materials to read, students will be required to pay rental fees on all such texts. Students also will be charged a copy fee for each handout or worksheet.
Pay as you go
In order to cut down on needless and excessive wiping in the bathrooms, new toilet paper vending machines are to be installed in each bathroom stall. Those who wish to wipe will have to pay per sheet. Feminists are decrying this as unfair to females in the district – noting that girls will be hit harder by these fees.
At the elementary level: In order for students to use the playground, students will have to purchase a rec pass. Students not being able to purchase a pass will be allowed to watch the other students through the window – just to make sure they know what they are missing. Family pass rates will be available.
At the middle and high school level: Students wishing to “recreate” with a person of the opposite sex can buy kissing, hand holding, hugging or snogging passes. The room that was proposed to be rented out to the educational democracy group instead will be called “The Love Shack” and will provide “out of the way and yet still close to class” privacy for students. Special rate passes will be available for both the long-term or one night stand relationship budgets.
To reduce wear and tear on the floors of the school, students will be required to take off their shoes at the entrance. Paying a rental fee for special socks and an additional fee for storing the footwear during the day provides a double opportunity for profit.
To complement the shoe fee, students will have to purchase special school uniforms. These uniforms can only be purchased from Dropem’s Marathon station in Hockingport. When questioned more closely about how this would raise money for the school, Dropem replied, “What do you mean?” When further questioned, Dropem pretended that he had hearing problems and that he was “slightly deaf in one ear.” When asked from the other side, he claimed that he was “slightly deaf in that ear also.”
School Postal System
Any students wanting to send notes to other students must now pay an in-school postal fee. Discounts will be given to junk mailers who send in bulk – particularly those letters requiring an answer to, “Do you like me? Circle yes, no or maybe.” Another special service requiring extra cost is “Bully Mail.” This special mailing gets delivered by a menacing student at least two grades older than the recipient. Bully mail is especially useful in delivering extortion notes demanding lunch or milk money from the recipient. As one of the school bored’s newest perks, Bully Mail will be available on demand for delivering letters to Mr. Manley from the bored.
While new fundraising plans are being developed daily, there is concern that $1.2 million may be a bit much to expect from the students in the district. The majority of the bored, however, is hopeful. “Look,” said Penny, “parents will pay these fees, because if they don’t, they would have to pay the extra cost to send their kids out of the district. And think how much cheaper this is than paying for a real babysitter. And with that high school “recreation” pass thing, we just may have a whole new crop of little ones in just five or six years. Now that’s building real revenue from the state for the future!”