Volume 1, Issue 1 | November 26, 2001

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Tedalam Regime Comes Under Fire:
Ay Carumba! Network Comes Forward in Support

STEWART - Ted Bayatme, Superintendent of Federal Hocking Local Schools and notorious head of the repressive Tedalam Regime, recently came under fire by school bored members.

In a closed door session, the school bored failed to decide whether or not to give the go ahead to a four-year renewal on the Tedalam regime. As it stands now, the key leader in the Tedalam, Ted Bayatme, will be removed at the end of the school year if his contract is not renewed.

For full story.

Cafeteria Workers Worried About Troubled Franco-American Talks
AMESVILLE - Cafeteria workers expressed deep concern at the breakdown in recent Franco-American talks. Said one worker, Lotta Seconds, "What will we do on Spaghetti-Os day?"

It has been rumored that a multiconglomerate food coalition was in the works, trying to bring stability to an already shaky canned pasta market. However, afraid that the discord in the talks might reopen a can of beans within other areas of the food producers coalition, these new talks will be broad based and will reportedly go where no other food coalition has gone before.

For full story.

Science Labs Raided
Activist students broke into the high school science labs, releasing all of the schools fetal pigs. Kept at the lab for dissection experiments, the pigs were already pickled. Members of RAVE (Release All Vivisection Experiments) have taken credit for the action. "They may be soaked in formaldehyde, are stinky and dead, but now they are free!" one member quipped.

New FHHS Football Offense in the Works
Coach Poorards has at last revealed a new football offensive for next season, hoping to improve on this year's two-win Lancer season. Noting that one win came as a result of a forfeit, Poorards seized upon this as the hopes for a great 2002. "We are working at recruiting brainy FH students in the hopes that they can go into other schools and covertly check on their athelete's eligibilities. Who knows, maybe we can double our winning record that way," Poorards said. Dubbed the "Wishbonehead Offense," defenders of the FHHS football program claim that is our "best hope yet."

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