Volume 3, Issue 3 | February 26, 2007

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Next Issue
Since nothing exciting has hit the Athens Mess, we here at C.Y.A. are taking a bit of a break. So unless something really stupid happens, look for a new issue on March 12.

Bored OKs cutting staff –
just not with big knife

STEWART - On Tuesday, the FedHock school bored cut 13 teaching positions, a librarian and guidance counselor. These cuts will save the district approximately $366,000. With the looming $1.8 million deficit, bored member Dodger Dropem said, “Hey, we only need to cut another 59 staff members to balance the budget!” Luckily, however, smarter heads prevailed.

Bored member Johnny Elder pointed out that cuts would have to be made, because the district would soon be facing fiscal emergency and we, “have to start somewhere.”

For full story.

Friends group starts to
say nice things
HAPPYVILLE - A group of community people, parents and assorted relatives have gotten together to promote FedHock. The group, calling themselves the Friends of Federal Hocking, is hoping to keep students from leaving the district in open enrollment. Thus the Friends want to keep the district from losing the funding that they would have received by retaining the students. According to the group, each student lost equals nearly $5,414. The total loss to the district from open enrollment is around $700,000.

“Wow!” exclaimed Dodger Dropem. “With money like that, I could pay off all of my taxes and get a new boat for river riding and drinking!” Of course, when Dropem was informed that the money wouldn’t go personally to school bored members he was noticeably less enthused. “I guess that I’ll have to continue getting my employees out looking for more cans to recycle then. I really need some money.”

For full story.

 


Henny Penny Plucked!
The rumor mill has been intensifying about Henny Penny’s absence from the last bored meeting. An overly enthusiastic fan of Britney Spears, Penny supposedly went out for a night on the town, culminating the evening by shaving her own head, á la Spears. The next day, a horrified Penny decided that she needed to go into rehab to, “figure out why I have such a dysfunctional relationship with H-Fed.”

Spelling Bee Loose in Elementary School
Coolville Elementary was the scene of much excitement in past weeks, as a rare spelling bee was seen in the school. Spelling bees are usually only spotted once or twice a year, and when they rouse from their annual slumber, they generally provoke a great amount of turmoil, chaos and interest in gerunds.      Unfortunately, a number of students were stung this year by the bee, but luckily no one suffered any allergic reactions. Principal Surely Doers said, “I’m extremely glad that no one had a reaction, because had someone been allergic, we have no school nurse.”      According to some folk stories, being stung by the spelling bee actually makes one smarter for a short period of time. Scientists are being called in to use the stung students as guinea pigs to see if the stories are actually true.

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