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Since nothing exciting has hit the Athens Mess, we here at C.Y.A. are
taking a bit of a break. So unless something really stupid happens, look
for a new issue on March 12.
Bored OKs cutting staff –
just not with big knife
STEWART - On Tuesday, the FedHock school bored cut 13 teaching positions,
a librarian and guidance counselor. These cuts will save the district
approximately $366,000. With the looming $1.8 million deficit, bored member
Dodger Dropem said, “Hey, we only need to cut another 59 staff members
to balance the budget!” Luckily, however, smarter heads prevailed.
Bored member Johnny Elder pointed out that cuts would have to be made,
because the district would soon be facing fiscal emergency and we, “have
to start somewhere.”
Friends group starts to
say nice things
HAPPYVILLE - A group of community people, parents and assorted
relatives have gotten together to promote FedHock. The group, calling
themselves the Friends of Federal Hocking, is hoping to keep students
from leaving the district in open enrollment. Thus the Friends want to
keep the district from losing the funding that they would have received
by retaining the students. According to the group, each student lost equals
nearly $5,414. The total loss to the district from open enrollment is
“Wow!” exclaimed Dodger Dropem. “With money like that,
I could pay off all of my taxes and get a new boat for river riding and
drinking!” Of course, when Dropem was informed that the money wouldn’t
go personally to school bored members he was noticeably less enthused.
“I guess that I’ll have to continue getting my employees out
looking for more cans to recycle then. I really need some money.”
Henny Penny Plucked!
The rumor mill has been intensifying about Henny Penny’s absence
from the last bored meeting. An overly enthusiastic fan of Britney Spears,
Penny supposedly went out for a night on the town, culminating the evening
by shaving her own head, á la Spears. The next day, a horrified
Penny decided that she needed to go into rehab to, “figure out why
I have such a dysfunctional relationship with H-Fed.”
Spelling Bee Loose in Elementary School
Coolville Elementary was the scene of much excitement in past weeks, as
a rare spelling bee was seen in the school. Spelling bees are usually
only spotted once or twice a year, and when they rouse from their annual
slumber, they generally provoke a great amount of turmoil, chaos and interest
in gerunds. Unfortunately, a number of students
were stung this year by the bee, but luckily no one suffered any allergic
reactions. Principal Surely Doers said, “I’m extremely glad
that no one had a reaction, because had someone been allergic, we have
no school nurse.” According to some
folk stories, being stung by the spelling bee actually makes one smarter
for a short period of time. Scientists are being called in to use the
stung students as guinea pigs to see if the stories are actually true.