Volume 3, Issue 2 | February 19, 2007

Tedalam Regime rears head in ugly NASA attack

STEWART – Valentine’s Day is usually known for its hearts and flowers, but a particularly ugly resurgence of the Tedalam regime has ruined this lovely holiday for many in the FedHock school district.

It has been reported that authorities had to be called to the administrative offices of the school due to an unprecedented attack of the Tedalam regime. Once at the head of the FedHock schools, the Tedalam regime was driven back by a wave of democracy and good feeling. However, last week’s incident only goes to show that the Tedalam was merely sent to the county borderlands and not defeated.

In custody is Ted Bayatme, head of the regime. Early reports have it that on Valentine’s Day, Bayatme, now the head of NASA (Nelsonville Administrator’s School Association), driving a school van, headed to Stewart in an attempt to reassert control over the Ay Carumba! network. Sources say that Bayatme attacked Jimbo Manley in the conservatory with pepper spray and a taser. The sources also report that Bayatme was wearing a diaper during the attack, although it’s unclear why. Speculation on the diaper issue has ranged from the treacherous road situation that day which could have resulted in travel delays or the fact that Bayatme consumes large quantities of extra large double latte mochas with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles, necessitating extra potty breaks and his unwillingness to be seen in the district prior to the attack.

But at the heart of this tragedy is a love story. The love of Bayatme for his former conquest, Ay Carumba! As Bayatme was taken away for further questioning, he could be heard shouting, “If I can’t have Ay Carumba!, then no one can! Damn you Jimbo Manley! Ay Carumba! is mine!”

Of course, with all of the outbursts from Bayatme, few people heard Jimbo Manley’s response, “Take my Ay Carumba!, please!”


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