Volume 3, Issue 2 | February 19, 2007 - Hail to the Chief Issue

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Tedalam Regime rears head in
ugly NASA attack
STEWART – Valentine’s Day is usually known for its hearts and flowers, but a particularly ugly resurgence of the Tedalam regime has ruined this lovely holiday for many in the FedHock school district.

It has been reported that authorities had to be called to the administrative offices of the school due to an unprecedented attack of the Tedalam regime. Once at the head of the FedHock schools, the Tedalam regime was driven back by a wave of democracy and good feeling. However, last week’s incident only goes to show that the Tedalam was merely sent to the county borderlands and not defeated.

For full story.

Bored Says That Innovative Teaching
Will Save District

STEWART – In a rare show of thoughtfulness, the FedHock School Bored has made innovative suggestions to the administrative team concerning teaching positions. Stating that they don’t want to micromanage the administration, they nevertheless have put forth a strong demand to cut teaching and other staffing positions and perhaps create some previously unheard of job combinations to make these cuts more effective.

First on their list is a desire to gain more vocational monies from the state. By having more vocational programs (and students in those programs), the district will earn more money per pupil. The bored has put together a far reaching vocational program which will impact students all the way across the district.

High School Vocational Gym
With the installation of a few cheap poles and utilizing the current sound system, the bored would like Manley to hire vocational gym teacher, Bambi Sparks. Dodger Dropem, who is making the hiring recommendation, said, “Bambi would bring a unique and rewarding combination of teaching physical education and dance, allowing our grads to move straight into the Sugar’s industry of adult workers....

For full story.


Fatherhood Calls?
It has been reported that school bored member Dodger Dropem has been the latest to step forward in claiming to have fathered the late Anna Nicole Simpson’s child, Dannielynn Simpson. Local skeptics claim that this is just the latest hair-brained attempt by Dropem to earn some extra money, as a successful paternity suit could leave the winner in control of Simpson’s multimillion dollar estate. As was last reported, Dropem was filing court papers to hold off on his $15,676.45 in arrears tax payment to the county for personal property taxes and $8,059.98 to the State of Ohio for personal income tax until the paternity outcome was determined.

Snow Daze
A new and scary epidemic has hit students in the local school district and surrounding areas - an overdose of snow days. Dubbed OS (OverSnow) by health care professionals, this epidemic has affected students of all ages, and even has by-passed the age-brain barrier and affected adults too (primarily teachers). The first symptoms manifest as repeated uploads of WXTQ's school closing website or the repeated calling of WXTQ with a continued asking of, "Is our school closed?" Further symptoms include sleeplessness (staying up late), followed by fatigue (sleeping in late) and a generally joyful demeanor. However, if the disease runs too long, students may complain that they will die of boredom. Secondary symptoms can be passed to parents in the form of anxiety and annoyance at these whining outbursts.

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